the curse

What the Lord hates

"Six things the LORD hates;

in fact, seven are detestable to Him:

arrogant eyes, a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that plots wicked schemes,

feet eager to run to evil,

a lying witness who gives

false testimony,

and one who stirs up trouble

among brothers" (6:16-19).

these verses are intense. its hard to think that the Lord hates anything because he is such a loving Lord. as i read these verses, friends or family names would pop into my head and even my name at some points. i can't believe that i would do something so horrible towards the Lord who had done nothing but be faithful and loving towards me. this is the part where i feel like falling at the feet of Jesus and as humbly as a human possible can ask for forgiveness. it's hard work being a believer, i feel like i can't do anything right. i try to seek the Lord in everything i do but i'm not good at it most of the time. i feel like a failure but i guess that is the result of the fall of man. being a believer is truly a lifestyle because it takes that much energy and devotion. i only thought that way because of my job but even if i didn't work in ministry, it would still be a lifestyle. i know so many people who are only seeking Him when it's convenient for them or just for show. even though there have been times where i have lived like that as well, it's frustrating to watch them live like this. i guess it's too easy to see it in others than myself. i have failed and i have been broken but i've grown stronger. i will never stop failing and being broken... it's our curse as believers. 

the theme of my life

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight" (3:5-6).

these are the verses of my life for a couple different reasons. when i was 17, my dad passed away from a rare disease that slowly took over the brain. it was a variant or a branch of mad cow for humans, how he contracted it is still unknown. anyway, these verses are on the back of his gravestone because my mom felt that if he could say one more thing to us kids, that would be it. another reason is because as long as i can remember, i have struggled with trusting the Lord completely at times. He has been so faithful to me so you think i would learn but i continue to struggle with it. instead i worry and doubt and second guess the situation. right now is a good example of this, i was recently deeply hurt by someone i really cared about and instead of trusting i'm trying to understand it by myself. i keep replaying everything in my head over and over trying to make sense of it all but of course it gets me nowhere. i'm trying to lean on my own understanding. so this is my prayer and my hearts desire, that i trust and not doubt. that i let go instead of dwell. Lord, help me to let go...

"Maintain your competence

and discretion.

My son, don't lose sight of them.

They will be life for you

and adornment for your neck.

Then you will go safely on your way;

your foot will not stumble.

When you lie down, you will not

be afraid;

you will lie down, and your sleep

will be pleasant.

Don't fear sudden danger

or the ruin of the wicked

when it comes,

for the Lord will be your confidence

and will keep your foot from a snare"  (3:21-26).

"Critics claim that wise people do not always experience the benefits that this section promises, but the intention of the author is to emphasize the face that wisdom enables a person to avoid many difficulties that foolish people frequently encounter in life" (the Apologetics Study Bible).

Being a "Christian" or a "believer" doesn't always mean life is going to be like butter but it's comforting to know that when we stay faithful to the Lord, He will fill the space in our hearts where a lot of unnecessary hurt can fit. 

Proverbs

so i'm starting to study the book of Proverbs and i'm going to record my findings and any verses that stick out to me. i'm going through a time in my life where i am heartbroken and i'm trying to see the Lord in all of this... i'm trying to seek healing.

"The fear of the Lord is the 

beginning of knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and 

discipline" (1:7).

this verse is the central theme of the book, the fear of the Lord.

"For the Lord gives wisdom;

from His mouth come knowledge

and understanding.

He stores up successes for the upright;

He is a shield for those who live

with integrity" (2:6-7)

God reveals Himself to those who diligently seek Him.

my hearts prayer

"Listen to this prayer of mine, Yahweh;

pay attention to what I'm asking.

Answer me-you're famous for your answers!

Do what's right for me.

But don't, please don't, haul me into court;

not a person alive would be acquitted there.

The enemy hunted me down;

he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life.

He put me in a black hole,

buried me like a corpse in that dungeon.

I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away,

my heart heavy, like lead.

I remember the old days,

went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've

worked,

Stretched out my hands to you,

as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain.

Hurry with your answer, Yahweh!

I'm nearly at the end of my rope.

Don't turn away; don't ignore me! 

That would be certain death.

If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving

voice,

I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.

Point out the road I must travel;

I'm all ears, all eyes before you.

Save me from my enemies, Yahweh-

you're my only hope!

Teach me how to live to please you,

because you're my God.

Lead me by your blessed Spirit

into cleared and level pastureland.

Keep up your reputation, Yahweh- give me life!

In your justice, get me out of this trouble!

In your great love, vanquish my enemies;

make a clean sweep of those who harass me.

And why? Because I'm your servant."

-Psalm 143